2020: The Lost and Found Year
Okay, I get it, everyone and their mother had a difficult time in 2020, that’s all fair and good, but I wanted to give you a life update because DAMN. I feel like the first half of 2021 has been processing loss, growth, and newfound change that has happened in the course of the past year and a half.
Let’s start at the beginning.
BOOM. COVID.
Professional Realizations
Working a service job in the midst of a pandemic was and never will be easy. Service is an industry already seen as dirty, lowly, and ultimately not “skilled” labor which I will forever believe is the falsest narrative in the history of the world. When mid and late March came, we were all laid off without knowledge of what would happen in the future. Truth be told, I was in shock for a good part of the first week of unemployment. Though, over time it became a reset that was needed for growth, healing, and listening to my body that I never knew I needed. It was a time to invest in hobbies, find new ones, breathe, sleep, be my own person and ultimately, recharge before my next steps. Fortunately, we went back to work in mid-may and it was a completely different environment, and to this day, not much has changed. Without getting into the nitty gritty of the frustrations, there were a lot of emotional and mental struggles we had to go through in the duration of that past year.
Thankfully, I found a few different jobs during that time and was able to work and sustain my household (as one has to do in this capitalistic whirlwind… If it were up to me, I would have taken more time off to get my bearings on life, but that’s beside the point). Starting in May, I started working at the café again and in June I quit my design job. This made me realize 2 things professionally.
1. I LOVE coffee and find solace in it when I have agency to explore and grow
2. I don’t want to pursue design as a full time career choice
Why does this even matter? Truly, it made me start thinking about the future and what I want it to look like. Would I be happy sitting at a desk day after day pushing pixels and speaking formalities? or Would I want to continue to make things, learn new skills on my feet and interact with people who I would not normally have the chance to meet?
I want the latter.
I want the opportunity to learn and grow from others. I want the chance to love my community in direct and small ways. I want the moments of exploration to embody the way I live my life. I don’t want to solely work to make money, I want to learn, grow and build community. If money happens along the way, so be it.
Personal Realizations
Fast forward a bit into the summer of 2020, my personal life was flipped upside down. My parents separated after a 28 year long marriage. At first, I questioned the reality of it all and it really took a toll on my mental, physical, and emotional health. It then turned into moments that allowed me to explore my identity and who I am in context of my family and in context of how I am seen in the world. Of course, these are things I will continue to explore throughout the duration of my life, but I learned that I am bolder than I think, feel more than I think, and am bound to convictions that are set in my heart that I have thus far known to be true.
This was the first year in the duration of my life that I had friction with my mom. I have always been someone who listens and makes themselves smaller and ultimately puts the needs of others before my own. While some of these things can be considered good and kind qualities, I had to ask “for who?” The reason being, I felt like I was being disingenuous to myself and thus being that way to those around me. In late 2020, I decided to take up more space individually to in turn be more honest with myself and my family which has been a turbulent, but more open and honest turning point for our relationships. I realize that as I grow more into myself, I will have to do that in almost all the spaces I find myself in, but that doesn’t scare me. Will it make people like me less, sure, but those who I am able to connect with will end up being true coconspirators in this journey we call life.
From this, I’ve learned that I am able to be bold when needed, I am also soft where I least expect it, and that’s all okay.
Closing Remarks
Truly, I am still processing this last year because… well, it was trauma, point blank. Period.
There will be more concepts, thoughts, and musings I will divulge over time as I continue to process. All I can really say is that, this year was not meant to be a year of productivity, growth, etc. It was one that happened and maybe the root of it was the universe telling us to “Slow down, pay attention, and look towards your humanity… TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.” Those traits are hard to come by, and especially as we are trying to reach a new chapter, maybe it’s best to look internally, process, and then continue. And as they say in the design world, keep iterating which.. I guess means failing and learning? Or, don’t. It’s really not good or bad one way or another. You do you, boo, and keep on keeping on.